How to break free from people-pleasing.

Are you a recovering people-pleaser? Do you want to be? Me too. I had an epiphany about it recently that might help.

For as long as I can remember, I've placed a lot of hope in what others think of me. Too much. And while some of that is the product of deep empathy as well as high emotional intelligence, I'm mature enough now to recognize that the good aspects don't excuse the unhealthy ones.

So I can admit this now: For much of my life, I've lived with what is an unhealthy desire to have others approve of me. To validate me. To not anger them. To not disappoint them. To not make THEM feel uncomfortable. To say "yes" because I'm afraid of what they'll say or how they'll react if I say "no." To not ask or say something I need to because of what they might feel, do, or say.

Sound familiar?

I don't have to tell you how exhausting that is. But I will. When you're constantly trying to please others in an unhealthy way, you don't feel anchored. You sway in the wind more than a maple tree during a Kansas tornado. You lose site of who you are. You struggle with your own identity. Imposter syndrome haunts you. You question yourself. You compromise who you are, and even your core values. In its most vile aspects, it becomes destructive.

So over the last nine months, I've been doing a lot of work on myself. More than I've ever done in the past. I've gone back to therapy. I've changed destructive habits. I've created healthy new ones. I've even changed what I put into my body. One habit in particular I've developed has helped me more than anything else. And it's this habit that has finally helped me make incredible progress in overcome people-pleasing.

What is it? It's daily journaling where I ask God two simple questions:

What do you want me to know today, God?

What do you want me to do today, God?

That's it. Those two questions. And then I listen and write. I'll also open the Bible. And guess what? Sometimes I'll spend hours and fill up pages with what he responds. I'm not exaggerating. Pages.

Sometimes the answers are broad. They're "spiritual," if you'd like. But other times, they are really, really practical.

"Send this person a message."

"Write this out today."

"Don't pursue that."

"Invite this person to breakfast."

Those kinds of things. It's simplified my life to a degree I could never imagine. And it's given me more joy and fulfillment than I I've experienced in maybe, well, forever. It's something I've come to understand as, and call, "abiding" with God.

So what does that have to do with people-pleasing? Well, everything.

See, as a people-pleaser, historically I've based so many actions, words, and decisions on what the other person thinks or simply MAY think. Oddly enough, that also means those actions, words, and decisions are based on my own fears — on my own feelings.

But when I'm abiding — that process of asking God questions and writing down the answers — I'm not basing my decisions or my actions on what other people think. I'm basing them off of what HE thinks.

And can I tell you? That is absolutely freeing! I seriously cannot fully express the level of freedom I have felt as I've put this into practice and continued to get better at it. (Yes, it takes practice. And yes, you can get better at it.)

So now, when someone asks me to take part in X, or do Y, or when I'm looking for how to approach Z, I simply bring it up in my abiding time and wait to hear how God responds. And when he tells me the answer, I simply convey that. And I don't worry about it (as much)! Why? Because it's not me making the decision.

I'm not disappointing anyone, because I'm simply conveying what he told me.

Now, do I still have a responsibility for how I act on what he says? Of course. How I convey what he says? Definitely. Does this mean my own thoughts, desires, and wants never cloud my judgement? Nope. But I can say that when I'm truly pursuing this habit, I'm way more apt to "get it right." And honestly, when I'm wrong, it's much easier to live with the consequences.

Listen, I get it: this sounds a little weird or like some mumbo jumbo. Can I be honest? When I went on a retreat last May and was first introduced to this version of abiding, I was skeptical. But I was also in a dark place. I was tired. I was sick of falling into the same traps, and getting the same results in my life.

So I tried it.

And over the last nine months, I've experienced more rapid and rabid growth in my life than ever before. My life has changed. I've found a new peace. I'm operating at a completely new level. My wife even tells people that I'm a completely different person! (And we all know, that's the real test of any supposed transformation.)

I'm not going to say I'm perfect. Far from it. But I can tell you that my personal life has changed. My people-pleasing has been on the decline. My mood, my temperament, is different. It's better. I still have to make progress, but that doesn't scare me — that excites me.

I'll end with this. Martin Luther is quoted as saying, "I have so much to do today that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer." I thought that was absurd when I first heard that years ago. Today? While I'm not saying I'm spending three hours daily, I can say this: I see clearly now how that's even possible.

And I welcome it.

(Photo: A pic I took on a family hike this past weekend. A hike where God continued to speak to me.)