I'm sorry.

I’m sorry.

Confessions of an apology tour…

Shortly after Barack Obama took office in 2009, the newly-minted president began flying around the world meeting dignitaries and making foreign policy speeches. The cable news pundits quickly seized on his remarks from those stops, noting how he frequently struck a controversial tone — one of sorrow and shame for some of America's actions during previous administrations.

At the culmination of his second leg, longtime Bush advisor Karl Rove came up with a phrase to describe what Obama had done. He dubbed it Obama's "apology tour." The line became a rallying cry for the president's opponents and critics. It was repeated on 24 hour news channels and in papers and magazines for the next eight years. The underlying critique was clear: the apologies were a sign of weakness.

Why bring that up? Well I can assure you I'm not here to argue the merits of Obama's speeches or talk foreign policy. I'm not here to agree or disagree with the critiques. That was for a former life in the 24/7 news business — a period of time I'm relieved is over. But what I am here to tell you is this: 

I need to admit I have been on my own apology tour for the last three years.

This is a tour I was reluctant to embark on at first, but since starting I have embraced it — not only because it was necessary but because it actually became wildly liberating. It became intoxicatingly freeing. And after hearing about it, my prayer is you'll want to join me on the journey.

While there are plenty of experiences from my days in the news business I look fondly on, there are also plenty I don't. See, the news business — specifically the 24/7 news cycle — jaded me. It made me cynical. It made me territorial. If being a news editor had a uniform, those three things would be your essential articles of clothing. Time to go to work. Better put on my cynicism socks, my territorial trousers, and my jaded jacket.

And while that period of my life lasted five years (which is about 20 in newsy years), its effects carried on long after I edited my last breaking news story.

Enter 2017. I can't say exactly how or why that year became the start of my apology tour. But it did. On second thought, maybe I can: My relationship with God grew exponentially that year. I started becoming convicted of things that previously I never would have even batted an eye at, or would have chalked up to just regular living or "personality." I started becoming keenly and deeply aware of my flaws, my shortcomings, and my failures. They began eating at me as God started chiseling away at me.

As I continued looking upward and inward, I realized that I had been wearing the "news uniform" far longer than I had thought. It had carried over to my next job as well, and if I wasn't careful I was running the risk of it becoming a permeant fixture in my wardrobe. As my heart softened, I began calling up the people I had worked with for the last seven years and letting them know that I was wrong, that I had made mistakes, and that I was misguided. And on each call I made a point to include two very specific words: "I'm sorry." 

The reaction I got changed me. To a person, everyone forgave me, and not all of them were Christians. As I think about it now, it is one of the most liberating things I have ever done. It also taught me a lot. Lessons like: It may seem more painful in the moment, but in the aftermath it's more freeing to be specific. In other words, it was more of a relief to name exactly what I was sorry for rather than offer a general, "I'm sorry I was difficult." It required more to do that, and that was key.

It was also important to specifically ask for forgiveness — to literally ask, "Will you forgive me?" Why? Because it's not really an apology without this words. See, asking for forgiveness makes you vulnerable. It puts you at the other person's mercy. It humbles you and doesn't allow you to give one of those throwaway "sorrys" we've all been at the receiving end of. It's risky. In short, asking for forgiveness helps make sure you're offering a true apology. 

Maybe political apologies like Obama's and personal apologies like mine are different. I'm willing to admit that, as well as leave it up to people far smarter than I to debate such things. But I can tell you this: personal apologies are not a sign of weakness, they're a sign of strength. They are freeing. They are uplifting. They are necessary.

In fact, I hope to live the rest of my life on an apology tour, constantly admitting my wrongs and my faults in an attempt to grow and learn. If at the end of my days it is said that I lived life constantly apologizing, I'll have considered that life an ode to the one who made me. Because only in Christ will I ever find the power to ask for forgiveness, or the comfort to be vulnerable enough to request it. Asking for forgiveness requires you to have confidence not only in who you are (imperfect) but also whose you are.

So here's to many more "I'm sorrys." And here's to you joining me in offering them.

***

This post was originally sent to my weekly email subscribers. To receive thoughts like this directly in your inbox and as soon as they come out, join the email community by clicking here.