Confessions of a corona-anxious person

Confessions of a corona-anxious person

It’s time to be honest…

I wish I could fully explain what’s been going on in my head the last week. I guess this is my attempt. And I hope it helps others like me. Here are my confessions.

I am a person with diagnosed anxiety and OCD, the kind that makes your thoughts do sumersaults. It’s a wonderful combination for times like this. You know, times when you have fear-mongers saying millions of people are going to die, while others are saying it’s “no big deal.” Times when you’re unsure if there’s going to be milk at the grocery store for your kids when you need to restock at the end of the week. Times when you’re already under contract to sell your house, and the uncertainty of the markets and interest rates now make the fact that you have to buy one so you have a place to live downright scary. Times when it’s hard to trust most everything you hear, because on one hand you have a Communist regime giving you unreliable stats and on the other you have a cocky reality TV star doing his worst to calm everything down.

Maybe that’s why the heart palpitations have started. I’ve never had them like this before. Over the last week I’ve found my heart racing for “no” reason. Sitting in the car, it happens. Getting lunch, it happens. Watching TV, it happens. Telling myself not to let it happen, it happens. It’s like an EMT is thrusting an epipen straight into my chest.

Then there’s the pacing. Literally, at times all I want to do is walk around aimlessly. I feel so out of control, and to counter that I have an insatiable desire to do something, ANYTHING. So I pace. I’ve pretended I’m on the phone at times so that it doesn’t seem so weird. It’s still really weird.

And then there are the thoughts. The thoughts that JUST. WON’T. STOP. The “what ifs?”

What if you run out of food?

What if the kids have to stay home for weeks?

What if your job goes away?

What if interest rates skyrocket and you’re stuck in a horrendous mortgage?

What if your buyers pull out?

What if your wife’s business collapses?

What if something happens and you can't get the family somewhere safe?

What if…what if…what if…?

Because that’s what anxiety is: it’s the tyranny of the “what ifs?” They dominate the “so whats?” And in times like these, the “what ifs?” are everywhere.

I’ve tried to keep it all at bay. But it hasn’t worked. Early on, I dealt with it by telling myself and others that this was all hype. It was all overblown. To a certain extent, there are still aspects of that that are true. But as news keeps coming out, and as cancellations pile up, and as the stock market tanks, it’s all became very very real. Wednesday evening, after watching the president’s speech, it became obvious just how bad this was about to get. And that’s when everything changed.

On Thursday, I went to the grocery store and started stocking up on essentials. Not going crazy like some, but grabbing some canned goods and ONE small package of toilet paper. That afternoon I caught myself staring at my computer, only to look and see 30 minutes had gone by. I haven’t had uninterrupted rest in about five nights, waking up every night at odd hours unable to shut off my brain.

All the while, I’ve been trying to pretend to myself and others that I’m OK. But it’s not. I’m not. And the more I bottle it, the more it wants to explode. Yesterday, while working hard to be a good citizen and staying home with my family, I snapped at my wife and kids — over a toy car and cardboard ramp we had built. Later, I unloaded some venom on my wife, before going to bed at 6:30 because my nerves were shot.

It’s times like this where I admit: the anxiety wins.

I lived through 9/11 and never felt like this. Heck, I wasn’t even on medication then. Shouldn’t I be better now? Shouldn’t I be in a position to handle this? Maybe. Probably. But I think there’s a key difference between 9/11 and this: we had a better understanding of what happened and what was going to happen.

Bad guys attacked us.

Those attacks were not ongoing.

We were going to make them pay. End of story. It was all very finite.

This, though, feels infinite. It’s unknown. It’s impending. It’s…my worst fear. As an anxious person, I physically fear the unknown. It’s what drives me to do things a normal person wouldn't do (like pace and pretend you’re on the phone). Elsa’s a much better person than me, because going into the unknown makes me want to throw up. No, really…I almost vomited this morning after another heart incident while driving.

So this is the part where I tell you that one deep truth that has changed this all, right? The part where I tell you what I’ve realized to help me stop the thoughts, to calm down, and to see the bigger picture. The part where, if you’re like me, you copy and paste this and share it on Facebook or Twitter and everyone likes and shares it.

Well, yeah, that’s probably what I’m supposed to do. But that’s not where I’m at.

Here’s where I’m at: I just need to let you know where I’m at. Yes, there are truths that I’m fighting hard — HARD — to focus on this day, this hour, this minute.

But sometimes, when the anxiety is winning, the best thing to do to gain power over it is to name it. By naming something, you take control. You take ownership. You assert your position. It’s why it was so important that God gave man the job of naming the animals in Genesis — it showed the proper hierarchy.

And that’s what this post is about. It’s about reasserting the proper hierarchy, about controlling my anxiety instead of letting it control me.

I guess, then, there is a lesson after all. Don’t be like me this last week. Sure, there are always going to be times when the anxiety wins, but don’t let it KEEP winning. Name it. Take back control. Only then are you going to be able to focus on the truths that help you keep it at bay. Truths like, there is a God who is in control, and he is using all of this for my good and his glory. Truths like, in times like this my pride surges and I think that I can and must control everything and everyone. Truths like, I am not my feelings.

But maybe I’ll focus on all of those in a separate post. For now, let me confess: I have let my anxiety get the best of me over the last week. I haven’t been honest about it. And in naming it, I take back the power.

If you’re like me, that’s one thing I pray you all catch.